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Movie Reviews




Released: 1989

Directed By: Andrew Jordan

Starring: Barry Gillis, Amber Lynn

Certificate: 18 (UK)

Reviewed By: Richard Bernier

Gracing VHS shelves in 1989, Things appears to have been Canada’s answer to The Evil Dead.Unfortunately, the filmmakers didn’t quite understand the question.
This cornea mutilating motion picture may very well be the worst movie I’ve ever seen. I came to that realization less than 20 minutes in; the following 65 minutes only reinforced that notion. To say it’s an incomprehensibly bad film is an insult to incomprehensibility… and it would Things the distinction of actually being a film.

The plot, as best I can discern, is about an experimental form of artificial insemination that has disastrous and somehow demonic consequences. A Couple, desperate to have a child, let the local Satan worshipping mad scientist have a quick poke at the ol’ uterus. Instead of a baby, these experiments spawn monstrous…things (ohhh, now I get it). That quick synopsis is way more coherent than the film deserves.
At times it’s almost as if the filmmakers are in on the joke, but I’m not sure they ever truly recognized just how potent this bad movie dynamite was (and by dynamite I mean something more akin to explosive diarrhea). Director Andrew Jordan’s stunning technical ineptitude make Ed Wood look like Kurosawa. You get the feeling that Helen Keller, with a script written by an 8 year old, could’ve made a better flick.

To say the movie is low budget is like saying KD Lang may not be in to guys. The score of the film seems to have been created by hitting “demo” on a Keyboard and the sound mixed by Marlee Matlin (I’m running out of deaf and/or blind celebrities for this review). I’m not sure what types of cameras were used to shoot this but I suspect they were homemade, possibly using Vaseline jars. Even the credits are cheap. They look like someone was playing around with the fonts on their brand new Commodore 64.

To its credit, Things does feature full frontal female nudity within the first 2 minutes. Gotta give props to that. It’s also pretty gory, although it’s more Special Olympics than special effects; they try real hard but something just doesn’t look right.

Some bad movies call for beer and pizza. This one requires something a little stronger, like abthinse and crystal meth. Being the sick twisted soul that I am, I felt a strange sensation while watching Things; almost as if I was being… entertained. Maybe entertained isn’t the right word, more like enthralled by the sheer might of its crapulence.

I can really only recommend Things to two types of people: bad movie lovers, and my sworn enemies. To the curious that seek out this film, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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